I am settling in for a showing of ‘Solo Mio’ and the theater is PACKED!Earlier, a bystander asked if I was heading in to see Avatar, and I stopped dead in my tracks.“Avatar? No, son,” I curtly replied. “I don’t watch woke movies. I’m here to see the groundbreaking new film about the incredibly talented Kevin James.”The man’s two little girls began jumping up and down, pulling on his sleeve, and begging, “Daddy, we want to see Solo Mio!”“But. But…” he stammered, “I thought you girls wanted to see Zootopia 2?”“No, no, NO,” they said, now nearly shouting. “We want to see Solo Mio!! He is the most beautiful actor ever!”Their father was scrambling, stressed out, and disoriented.“Girls, I’m afraid you aren’t the only ones who are captivated by Kevin James,” I said, kneeling to get on their level. “Virtually everyone in this theater is here for the 7:30 PM showing, and it’s been sold out for days.”Tears began to well up in their eyes.“But…” I said in a hushed tone, “I happen to have a few extra tickets with me, and I’d like you and your dad to have them.”They jumped for joy and began hugging their father. He looked relieved as he wiped the sweat off his brow with a smile.I handed him the tickets and pulled him close. “Raise these girls right,” I whispered. “Teach them to be classy conservatives like Rob Schneider, don’t let them become like Dean Withers. Capisce?”He hugged me and thanked me profusely. “What are you going to do now?” He asked. “Don’t worry about me, son,” I told him, with a twinkle in my eye. “I’ve already got tickets to the next showing.”
