Hell Ride

Sean Fennessey

“This might be the best dust I’ve ever seen.”

Swartacus3.0

Dollar Tree Cinema presents... Hell Ride.Intensely and savagely proud to be the 484th person to review this on Letterboxd. I wish I had this one in my grubby mitts when Mr. Blonde passed, I would have watched this instead of that gawd awful Renegade film (aka "Blueberry”). This disasterpiece has Michael "Ape Hangers" Madsen sitting in a tree, blowing into an empty beer bottle and pretending to be an owl. That’s just my jam.This thing was a helluva find and worth every penny of the $2.99 I spent on it. There were hatchet edits of the Death Proof and Planet Terror trailers preceding it and they perfectly set the tone for Hell Ride’s extremely specific brand of trash. Madsen created a "video diary" for the special features which was kind of fun (though the home movies with him and his sons made me a little sad). There's also a fun "making of" video where Larry (son of Joey) Bishop basically admits he sat in the editing bay and watched Quentin Tarantino edit this unholy slop for him.I remember renting this and seeing QTs name on it and being supremely let down. In fact until I found this DVD at a Goodwill the only time I ever saw this available was in 2008 when it went straight to video (after it's meager $390K theater haul) and I received it in one of those paper envelopes from Netflix. I thought it was beyond terrible and barely made it through it. But cut to many years later, I'm still a little wistful about Madsen’s passing and I think I was in the right mood for this shit feast.I can’t believe the cast they roped in for this DTV refuse. I fucking love "The Gent". The Gent needed his own movie! Madsen walking away from an exploding trailer with a ruffle shirt tux and a nudie mag down his pants makes everything better. Then there’s lines like this: “Where’s Comanche?” “He’s over there takin' a piss, he doesn’t want to get dust on his dick.” There is no human on earth who spits horrid grindhouse dialogue like Michael "The Gent" Madsen. Eric Balfour, the immortal Vinnie Jones, David "Ponytailed Elegance" Carradine and Dennis fookin' Hopper also come along for the ride. And don't worry there’s a metric poop ton of boobs and chicks making out with each other as well as with the homely Larry Bishop. Some solid throat slitting as well. Hell Ride tips over in the shitter while grunting hard to mimic the sleazier corners of Tarantino’s and Robert Rodriguez’s oeuvres. The acting is more wooden than a Rob Zombie flick and the whole mess is like an 83 min garbage-time filler on a double feature with Desperado, The Devil's Rejects or Once Upon a Time in Hollywood (in fact a jim dandy C.C. Rider needle drop opens the film after the exploding meth trailer bit). Everything about this is pure grime-sploitation, complete with naked chicks wrestling in baby oil. In fact Larry Bishop's character was apparently named after Desperado's original film title Pistolero.I saw a clip from a podcast with Tarantino where he admitted the 90s were basically exactly like the 70s filmmaking-wise, but he didn't realize it at the time. Not sure how he didn't when this stupid lark was right there slapping him in the giant chin. It just REEKS to high heaven of director diva hubris. The legend goes that Tarantino (no doubt coked to the gills) met a chick at a party that had Larry Bishop's phone number. So he cold called him and invited him up to the QT batcave to watch old biker movies from the sixties. Dude made a biker picture 40 years earlier that QT liked and boom all of a sudden he's in Kill Bill 2 and those pig fuck Weinstein Bros are bankrolling this boondoggle. Only Larry Bishop would be a QT "hero" when after his 60s biker movies his entire filmography is TV appearances as "that guy" on Dukes of Hazzard and C.H.I.Ps. I'm glad Harvey got soaked on this vanity project, I enjoy all aspects of this story and the afterbirth of a film it spawned.So what are you waiting for? Meet me at Dani’s Inferno in Tucson for the 3 B’s: Bikes, Beer and Booty. Btw the chick that plays "Dani" is none other than the chick who passed pervy QT the Bishop's digits. There's no foot play to speak of in this, but no doubt you will enjoy watching Eric Balfour piss all over screen legend Dennis Hopper’s cowboy boots and seeing him hit Madsen over the melon with a beer bottle. Don't worry though, he had a get out of jail free card, unlike 'ol humble Harv Weinstein.

martinriggs451.5

Most people would argue that a movie cannot literally suck dick. However, they would be gravely mistaken when it comes to this one.