London

Rafael "Mister Movie" Jovine1.5

Starring: The Bold, Bald, Gruff Action Man Jason StathamIn the late 1990s and early 2000s, it seemed like every other year there would be a movie about adults, teenagers, or even kids who got caught up in existentialist conversations, questioning reality, institutions, and the world at large in a way that verged on pretentiousness. Adaptations of Bret Easton Ellis' writings such as Less Than Zero and The Rules of Attraction to films such as Reality Bites, High Fidelity, Kids, and Can't Hardly Wait.This film, featuring a number of rising stars, makes several attempts to replicate that magic, but it ultimately fails miserably thanks to a mixture of reasons, including a pretentious script that believes it's deeper and smarter than it actually is and some of the most obnoxious and pathetic characters to disgrace the screen. The actors give it their all, but it just isn't enough. The soundtrack by The Crystal Method is possibly its most redeeming aspect.All in all, in all likelihood, even those who enjoyed the aforementioned movies will find this one to be reprehensible and incredibly annoying. Also, I've never done cocaine, but with the amount of dope these mofos do all night, they should’ve died midway through the movie.TODAY SCHEDULEShe Shoots StraightClearcutLondonStardust

Cinematic Underdogs3.5

London is basically Jason Statham & Chris Evans snorting copious amounts of cocaine in a swanky, NYC penthouse while whining about impotent rage, atheistic meaninglessness, the seductive kink of golden showers, failed relationships, and the cosmic formula for how much time it takes to overcome post-divorce grief. Jessica Beal gets ample screen time, too, as the ex-girlfriend Evans is trying to win back. Everyone is dialed up to ten — toxic, manic, over-scripted, histrionic, & hormonal. The dialogue is very showy, filled with woebegone narcissists waxing philosophical about sexual perversion, the phenomenological power of faith, the semantic depths of “I Love You”, and the volatile ebbs of masculine vulnerability. It’s candid, edgy, and sometimes too eager to impress. But it’s also got serious balls, a charmingly messy structure, garrulous banter, and a surprisingly romantic undercurrent. I kinda loved it. I hate the phrase, but this perfectly fits the guilty pleasure category, for me. If you dig psychological/erotic melodramas a la The Rules of Attraction, Closer, or Go, definitely give it a shot. It’s streaming on Prime.

bulletproofQpid4.0

"You know, they say the greatest conversation you'll ever have is with a stranger?""Who says that?""Some useless cunt."London is a movie that feels very much like a play. About 90% of it takes place in the nicest, biggest, fucking bathroom that I've ever seen in Becca's parents' house in NYC. The bathroom has a balcony, for crying out loud. It's here that Syd (Chris Evans) and Bateman (Jason Statham) do mass amounts of coke off a Van Gogh painting situated on the counter and have angry, philosophical conversations between themselves and the young women who come in there to relieve themselves and partake in some cocaine. Most of these conversations are in some way about London (Jessica Biel), Syd's ex-girlfriend who is flying to LA the next day to move in with her new boyfriend.That's it. London in a nutshell. But every time I've seen it, I wind up fascinated by the odd conversation going on in that bathroom. Statham is sporting the worst wig I've seen on film here, but I honestly believe this to be his best character outside of a Guy Ritchie movie. It's not for everybody, clearly, but worth a look if you happen upon it.